September: At 25 months, show interest in small plastic potty that parents bought with absurd optimism 7 months ago.
Day 1: Immediately master bladder control and only have one accident on the tile where it is easy to clean up. Convince parents that you are already potty trained. Accept mass amounts of chocolate and rewards for being such a “clever girl to pee all by herself.”
Day 2: Poop on the carpet. Giggle behind mom’s back as she mutters about the price of said new carpet. Accept more mass amounts of chocolate for peeing in the plastic potty. Watch lots of episodes of Daniel Tiger and Elmo using the potty. Decide that you’ve outgrown the word “potty” but nod every time mom uses it, in order to get more chocolate.
Day 3: Have no accidents causing mom to rejoice and think she has successfully followed the guide to potty train you in three days. Accept more chocolate.
Day 4: Poop on the carpet.
Week 4: Go on a road trip and have no accidents, all 5 days.
Week 5: Refuse to even walk into the bathroom. Pee everywhere except the toilet.
Week 6: Give mom a false sense of security by not having accidents for three straight days. Pee in the toy aisle of Target when she forgets a change of clothes.
Month 3: Refuse to poop on the potty. Secretly despise the word potty. Leave rabbit like pellets rolling all over the house and nonchalantly hand them to dad when he’s not paying attention.
Month 5: Remember that you used to get chocolate for using the potty. Have accidents until parents remember and feed you mass amounts of chocolate.
Month 8: Periodically scream and throw fits when mom takes you to the potty. Lay on the floor of the bathroom and pee in pants. Scream the loudest when brother is napping in the next room. Demand to take mom’s smart phone to the potty. Stay on the potty for hours with said phone.
Month 10: Start peeing in pants again, just to keep parents guessing. Rejoice when they offer you big-ticket toys for staying dry all day. At this rate, you could keep this going for years…..
Seriously though, when I read about my friends and they’re 3 day potty success I want to curl up into a ball and die. Potty training is literally the. worst.