Nostalgia

Nostalgia. Noun. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a formertime in one’s life, to one’s home or homeland, or to one’s family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

I have been feeling very nostalgic lately. It’s not especially fun. Today for instance, I am home sick. I can’t remember the last time I stayed home sick. While I was in school growing up, staying home sick meant any time I could convince my mom that I was indeed sick enough to not go to school.

Now in college, unless I am dying or bleeding out the eyeballs I suck it up and go because I have too many responsibilities to miss class, work, etc. (Just in case this past statement made you terribly worried for my well being thinking that since I am at home I must either be dying or bleeding out the eyeballs…let me clarify. I am neither dying nor bleeding out the eyeballs but I feel as though I could start doing either at any moment. Does that make you feel better?)

I seriously miss the days in elementary school when if I stayed home from school my mom, to make sure that I was actually sick and not faking it, wouldn’t let me leave my bed unless I had to go to the bathroom. That way staying home wasn’t fun at all (no TV in the bedroom) and I wouldn’t fake it. (Ha.)

I remember staying in bed all day reading Calvin and Hobbes and wishing that I had actually gone to school because since I’d stayed home I’d forfeited doing anything remotely interesting the rest of the day. Because obviously I was faking it…

Well maybe that wasn’t quite as fun. But I do miss actually being sick when I was in high school. I would sit in my beautiful bedroom and watch TV (I learned from my mistakes of not having a TV in my room) and do things like make bracelets and eat anything BUT dry toast. For some reason I always associate dry toast with being sick which is maybe why I never want it. Or that it doesn’t make sense. Why not just eat bread? Toast is so dry.

Anyway, I digress. I think I’m just feeling homesick. Not necessarily for my family, I mean I miss them too, but more for simpler times. Times when I didn’t have so much responsibility. Times when I could hide under my covers for a day and it wouldn’t effect anyone else or my future for that matter. Times when I could sit in front of the TV watching Gilmore Girls for hours at a time scrapbooking or making some random craft and the only thing I’d get in trouble for is not putting all the dishes in the dishwasher or something equally as trivial.

Today at work I needed to order more triple A batteries for Dr. Spencer. I needed to order everyone’s desk copies for next semester. I needed to call in everyone’s Chinese food order for the annual department dinner this year at Shoots. But I didn’t.

At school I had a live shot open in my broadcast class. (A live shot is when you see a reporter on TV at the scene of some crime or accident, etc. A live shot open is a couple facts to start off the story before they play the package you have made with footage, voice overs, and interviews. In  my broadcast class we have been taping live shot opens and closes to practice.) I also should have gone to my Russian class since we have a quiz tomorrow and I still don’t exactly understand what cases all the adjectives and nouns take for cardinal numbers. But I didn’t. I have been here. At home. Trying to keep down food and watching Gossip Girl.

And the worst part of all of this is…I feel guilty. I feel like I should have been doing all those aforementioned things. And if nothing else, working on homework here. But it’s just too much to think about. It’s just too much. College is not what I expected. I don’t have time to think. I think it’s making me more stupid. (Or should I say stupider?) I read somewhere that it’s not wasting time if you enjoy it. But if I don’t enjoy something that society is telling me I need to do to be successful at life…does that mean it’s a waste of time?

Life goes by in the blink of an eye. Heck I’m already in college with just a year before graduation. Why should I waste any moment of my time doing something that doesn’t make me happy. Now sitting around on the couch watching Gossip Girls doesn’t make me happy, not in the long run at least. But when school is taking so much out of me that immersing myself into meaningless television is the only way I can relax, is it worth it? I only hope that with one more year of school left, I’ll get back all that I have put in. I think that education is important, I really do. But why does it have to come with such a big price? (I didn’t mean literal price but now that I think about it, that’s very fitting as well.)

Well enough of my silly rantings. I’ll stick it through I guess. What else can I do? Any suggestions??

In Provo, Jocelyn Langford, thinking of simpler times.

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