Hiccups

hiccups

You’ve felt it. I know you have. There you are, minding your own business and suddenly your rhythmic breath that you haven’t been paying attention to is interrupted. Your upper body experiences a slight convulsion and a most unattractive noise escapes your mouth. You didn’t ask for them and no one gave them to you, but somehow you have gotten the hiccups.

They say to hold your breath, but let’s be honest, that never works. You try it anyway but then gasp for air and its as if your hiccups have decided to stay with a vengeance. You begin to breath very methodically, just hoping that you can get through this next breath without another ‘episode’.

This army of small hiccups has invaded your body and their plan of attack is to escape one at a time by force with a loud battle cry that to you sounds like some kind of gasping, chest/throat exasperation. And if by chance they catch you while you’re talking, the sound is even louder and can be quite offensive to whoever the hiccup solider lands on.

Suddenly you remember some old adage about a glass of water. But that only seems to make them angry. You can’t even get one gulp down before the hiccups force you to spew the water back out at a surprising velocity, leaving a mess on the floor.

Now you’re mad too. You seem to have forgotten that you have to drink the water upside down. But when you painstakingly make your way to stand on your head the hiccups only mock you. They seem to be laughing with such a strong convulsion that eventually you fall down and slide in the puddle of water right into your bookcase. “What an awful place for a bookcase,” you think. And then you remember, it’s not the bookcase’s fault that you cut your arm, have a headache, are covered in water and are dreading each breath…it’s the parasitic hiccups that have latched onto your insides and are making your life a living hell.

But then, while you are stewing in fury, planning an epic attack, and at the same time wondering how your life will ever be the same you notice that you’re breathing just fine and the hiccups have gone on their way in search of another victim. For a second you feel a little sad, you didn’t even get to say goodbye. But not to worry, they are lying in wait for when you least expect it.

***Yeah, that whole post was really about hiccups. Not some metaphorical hiccup in my life right now. Bet you didn’t expect that when you clicked on the link. I had hiccups when I started writing this post and then as I was finishing it, I realized they were gone. I think if you’re not constantly thinking about them they get their feelings hurt and leave, heads hung in shame.**